i accepted my first call for nilmdts last night. i've been on maternity leave since i found out i was pregnant (i thought it rude/insensitive for me to show up with a big belly) & i hadn't found the courage to get back into it. but the nurse called & said she'd been calling the list all day & couldn't find anyone, the child was born early in the morning & she was just getting ahold of me at 7:30pm. bryan had finn & they were grocery shopping, so i told her i'd be there within half an hour.
i arrived a mere 5 minutes after he passed away.
nilmdts stands for now i lay me down to sleep. it is an organization of volunteer professional photographers that go to hospitals and take photographs of babies that aren't going to make it. we provide them with all the pictures on a disc in hopes that our photos help them heal, by remembering their sweet baby was real. not a figment of their imagination, since most of them only get to share a few short hours together.
i applied several months before i got pregnant with finn. i thought i would be perfect for it. i'm sensitive enough (but perhaps too sensitive) and i didn't have any children so it wouldn't be so scary and real to me. now that i'm a mother it's ten times worse doing one of these shoots. i quietly sobbed the entire session. i was with them for almost 2 hours last night. taking photos of their grief. this was why i didn't want to be a journalist. my camera wasn't made for this kind of assignment... my heart can't take it. the only reason i'm doing it is that they request it. they want us to be there- as hard as it is & as hard as it's going to be for them to look at the photos later they want it. they need it.
surprisingly, i was able to focus on them the entire shoot- my mind didn't wander to finn until the moment i left the hospital room & was heading for the parking garage. the urgent manner in which i arrived, trying to get there before he died was nothing compared to my need to get home & kiss my baby who would be already asleep, safely in his bed.
i cried on the way home. i felt so empty. i don't know if it's survivors guilt or what but i just can't figure it out... why were we given such a blessing- a healthy, beautiful son & so many others are stripped of that pleasure? why was this little boy only here for less than a day?
i'm not sure why nor will i ever understand.
but i'll never go a day without thanking god for giving us the chance to be parents.
4 comments:
Megan, I wish there was an organization back in 1971 when I lost our 1st child. Thank God there are people like you to help these grieving parents.
That must be incredibly hard. You're brave to do it. And you're giving these parents a beautiful gift. There's so many reasons I'm glad we're friends, Megan, but a big one is what a generous person you are.
Here's that story I heard on NPR. Very moving.
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=121758804
As much as I wish your services weren't needed, I'm so glad you are there for these families!
I work on the floor at the hospital here in O'boro that takes the fetal demise patients. Heartbreaking on its own and very difficult to handle while pregnant. I took care of a sweet young woman who lost her baby at 38 weeks and that was the most emotional day I've ever worked. I cried with her and her husband and was amazed at her sensitivity to ME being pregnant. Women have such a tremendous capacity for caring, even amidst their own despair.
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