trying to calm down.

we've had a slight peanut scare in the last 24 hours.

finn had a rough start to the night, waking up every half an hour or so from midnight until 1:30 crying. bryan got up first. i got up the last time & was rocking him to sleep when i had some moderate discharge & while i was half asleep -it made me really anxious.

& then my stomach just felt weird, smaller. not as huge & uncomfortable as it had been. i grew more anxious. bryan promised me it felt the same & that he could feel the baby kicking. he fell back asleep- i didn't. this morning i called my midwife telling her "i was having my first-real-pregnancy-freak-out ever." she cautioned me to calm down, a miscarriage at this point in the game is so rare. i'm healthy. the baby's healthy. if i wasn't still discharging & i felt motion in there i was probably fine, but she would order an ultrasound if i wanted it. to be sure. so i could relax.

i had been with friends this past friday just moments, literally, before they found out they lost their baby (they were just around the end of their first trimester). it had me freaked out & really sad to say the least. not to mention the things i've seen with 'now i lay me down to sleep'... we're by no means out of the woods. my cousin lost a full term baby & i'm only now even close to imagining what that could possibly feel like. usually, i'm able to overcome those irrational fears but, today i'm embracing them 100% & scared.

so i picked bryan up from work & we went in to a very sterile, new lab to have an ultrasound done. we waited for 45 minutes & then a nice, but not necessarily friendly man, squeezed hot gel on my stomach. he does his thing searching around- shows us everything, all the babes parts. he says here's the placenta & amniotic fluid. i ask if it looks good & he says "i can't tell you that."

the state of our medical world- afraid of liability is such BULLSHIT. you are a professional. you have the answers right there at your finger tips to ease my mind... my heart on whether or not my baby is slowly dying because i'm losing fluid & YOU CAN'T TELL ME!!!!!!!!!!! argh. he goes on to show us fingers & toes & i have to assume because he is being so nonchalant that everything is fine & that's his way of telling us. bryan rubs my ankle. he's convinced everything is okay, i think, but knows how worried i am so he's taking it seriously for my benefit.

i call my midwife afterwards & report back to her what we were able to find out: heartbeat is 122, the baby is measuring 5 pounds 1 ounce & he thinks the due date is more like the 17th of july not the 19th. she says that's all wonderful & that the protocol is they would have had to call her before i left if something was wrong. so not to worry. but that i needed to relax & not stress myself or the baby out.

so i'm home attempting to take a nap- because that just about wiped me out. i nearly fell asleep while bryan was driving himself back to work. finn will be up any minute, so i've given up on the nap & thought writing about it might make me feel better.

i should let my shoulders drop to a normal height. i should allow myself to smile. yes, sad things happen in life, miserable, horrible sad things, but it hasn't & isn't happening to me today. i'm fine. this baby is fine. finn is fine, bryan is fine. my world is okay, better than okay.

we have exciting things to look forward to, specifically finn's 2nd birthday party tomorrow morning! we have everything we need except the chocolate icing he's requested. & some way to draw nemo & elmo & thomas the train on his cake, that doesn't include food coloring! any suggestions?

so my hope is peace. for me & for you. to really live in this crazy world where anything can happen, but to somehow find a way to do it peacefully.

i'll leave you with a picture of nana & finn reading before bed. she leaves tomorrow after the party & finn has loved having her here. if not for the presents & cokes & snacks she's happily given him, for all the loving attention & doting she's done.