why must life

have it's ups & downs...

yesterday morning, the three of us woke up bright & early at 6 am & we laid in bed until 8. i wanted to freeze the memory in my mind forever. i resisted getting up to get the camera- because i didn't want to spoil it. finn was taking turns snuggling with us, giving us kisses & jabbering away. it was beautiful. how i wish we could spend every morning before the stresses of life reveal themselves.

then, my best friend sarah sent me a text. are you awake?

i instantly knew something was up- so i called her back.

our friend, al, had killed himself.

a kazillion periods could not demonstrate how confused i was. i sat there... trying to figure out what she'd just said. reeeeeeally? we just talked... umm... shit when did we last talk. he was just commenting about a picture of finn on facebook. wow, it's been a couple months.

the deep aching sadness starts to settle in. how could he?

sarah went to highschool with him. they both went to western & hung out with a bunch of us louisville kids.

al was the quiet guy. the incredibly good looking, kind, thoughtful, deep, mysterious guy. he was troubled... but i thought it was because he was too smart. thought about things too much. always in his head. but, he was also the guy that spit out his soda when laughing. that is the lil video clip that keeps running through my mind. i can see him sitting there, someone telling a story & all of a sudden my loud cackle is overrun by al's refreshment exploding over anyone in the near vicinity. he'd be a tad embarrassed & then start laughing again.


god he was beautiful. you just wanted to be around him. one of our friends meredith took this picture & it is him. to the t. innocent & sweet.


al & asa helped me out with a photo project :)

since yesterday at 8 am i've thought of him off and on. i start to tear up & then finn needs me or i need to leave for a portrait session & be professional because it's an extremely happy day for them. their sweet daughter is turning 1. happy birthday emma!

so on to the ups & downs. i'm getting ready to leave for this portrait session & bryan is outside doing yard work. i set finn up in his high chair outside so he can watch his dad finish up. i leave. the portrait session went really well. emma was precious & i think everyone had a great time. i'm driving back, rushing because my shift at rei is starting in like 20 minutes. bryan doesn't answer his phone.

i get home & call out for the boys. no answer. i walk around, maybe he's napping. not in the living room, his room or our room. oh there they are. sweetly in the hammock. so i unlock the back door & go out to take a picture of them because it's precious. bryan gives me this half evil grin & BAM it hits me. oh shit. i locked the door -didn't i?

i start laughing hysterically. i've gotten into this habit since the robbery to lock the door behind myself every single time. which i apparently did after i put finn outside. so. for 2 hours the boys were stuck to fend for themselves. thank god finn didn't get hungry or cranky, bryan very well may have left me! thank god finn wasn't napping when i left... him inside with bryan locked out! god. can you imagine. bryan said that wouldn't have been a big deal, he would have broken a window- but he was starving!!!!!!!!!

life. ridiculous.

i work my shift & then the stars aligned & things get rearranged & i can leave to go to the party. which was a lot of fun! crazy trying to entertain 10 one year olds, but fun!

on the way home i talk with al's ex-girlfriend, meredith. and i'm back down again.

i got to know al's family from when they'd come visit him at school & because i shot his sister's wedding. i can't get them out of my mind. they held al as a baby- with his entire future in front of him just like i hold finn. i can't fathom that.

i'm leaving tuesday morning for the funeral. i need this time to be with friends & hear their stories of him. i need this time to cry without distractions.

maybe those two hours outside were great practice for 2 days without mom! i'm sure they'll have a great time... but maybe call to check in on them for me? thanks.

please take a moment to tell the ones you love that ya love em.

*change of plans. i'll be heading to louisville & attending the second funeral in mundfordville. finn will go to ky but stay with the grandparents.

you can still call to check in on bryan, he gets lonely without us!