being a mama.

is it meant to split my heart into a thousand tiny pieces? because that's what it does.

we're trying to teach finn to "self soothe" whatever in the hell that means. it's gentler terminology than sleep training or cry yourself to sleep, kid. neither of those things am i a fan of.

my child will soon enough push me away. he won't want me close. there goes several hundred tiny pieces floating away just thinking about it...

why on earth would i want to force him now? shouldn't i want to cling to him, run to him, help him in every way possible- and if that means rocking him to sleep shall be it?!

i understand why that isn't healthy. for him or me or bryan & i's relationship- i'm not a crazy mama. just an intensely in-love-with-her-child mama.

so, we've agreed to rocking him back to sleep, if he's that awake. but our goal is to get to him before he's that frustrated & pat his back while shushing him back to sleep. no more co-sleeping, which has been so amazing. so sweet. so wonderful. i'm sad. but i'm majorly sleep deprived. honestly, don't tell bryan- but i'd keep doing it if i could teach myself how to take naps!

this parenting gig is tough!

i mean at least once a day i freak out about something terrible happening to him. somedays i'm lucky & i don't think about it at all & i can just enjoy the here and now. we're here. happy. holding our baby between us while we giggle with him, squeeze him in a baby sandwich & kiss his cheeks. pat that adorable ghetto baby booty.

i get to watch bryan teach him how to shoot hoops- which he's amazing at.

i get to watch him tear the picture frames off the bookshelf & then with a devilish smile he looks at me, daring me to be mad at that adorable face.

he is a mischievous kid. he falls down hard, and cries occasionally. sometimes i can feel the pain -it can bring tears to my eyes.

man. finn, did you really have to fill my heart to this intensity so that every little crack was noticeable?

i don't mean to complain my little man. far from it. i love what you've done to me- i'm a much nicer, healthier, happier person since you've entered my world. and that's why i can't imagine my life without you.